I'm waiting
by Misura
Summary: Bakura has left, only to find himself unable to forget about his hikari. [BakuraRyou]
1. Beginning

I'm waiting

Warnings/notes : Ryou/Bakura, songfic, shifting first pov, bits of bad language, hints at abuse (not by Ryou or Bakura). 

Disclaimer : I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. The song 'Milk' belongs to Garbage. Lyrics slightly altered.

written at 28th june 2003, by Misura

**********

__

//I am milk 

I am red hot kitchen// [Bakura]

I like the feel of the music around me, so loud it's almost painful to my ears. I welcome the near-pain, since it allows me to go numb. Tonight I don't want to think.

Tonight I don't want to feel.

Why does he have to be such a weakling? Why can't he be more like Yugi, who admittedly isn't that much better, but at least he lets his yami influence him.

Whatever I say, my hikari thinks it's a bad idea. Not that I care about his opinion of course, but it gets to your nerves after a while to have anything you say brushed aside.

Stupid Ryou! I don't need him anymore. I have a body of my own, a life of my own, though I'm the first to admit it's not much of one, yet he keeps being important to me.

//And I am cool 

Cool as the deep blue ocean//

Any time I see him I scowl at him, letting him know how worthless he is. Any time he replies to my insults with indifference. I wonder why I keep meeting him.

We have very little in common, my hikari and me. Looks, perhaps a certain stubborness, but aside from that? There's nothing that binds me to him.

There's nothing to prevent me from hurting him. For the fun of it, because I can and it's in my nature to enjoy other people's suffering.

//I am lost 

So I am cruel//

I could never make myself do it though. No matter what he has done to me, no matter how often he has thwarted my plans, no matter how much I want to, I could never harm him.

Even after we have been separated, he remains my hikari, my light. The living proof of my condemnation to the darkness, of my unforgivable sins.

I can't stop seeing him, caring for him up to some degree any more than I can stop breathing or living. My nature compels me to these things, as it compels me to never show him how I feel, hiding behind a mask of coldness and cruelty instead.

I hate it sometimes, being trapped like that. And guess who gets the brunt of my anger? He's just such an easy target, and he seems to be drawn to me as well, maling me reasonably sure he'll always come back. Back for more. My foolish hikari.

//But I'd be love and sweetness 

If I had you//

He's afraid of me. And for me. Like I wouldn't be able to take care of myself just fine. If anyone should worry about his safety it's him. I know people messed with him before I came, so is it so much to suppose they're back at it again now that I'm gone?

He denies it whenever I ask him about things like that. But the bruises I see on his arms when he's a bit careless in hiding them tell me different.

It makes my blood boil to think of anyone causing him pain. If he'd still be mine, I'd never allow such a thing to happen ; I'd teach them not to touch what's mine.

Damn you, hikari mine! What have I ever done to you to make you look away when I try to read your eyes? Why won't you let me help you?

//I'm waiting, 

I'm waiting for you//

I'm thinking too much ; I need a drink to distract me. To distract me from the pain he caused me, not a physical pain like the one he suffers from, but an ache in my soul that keeps pestering me.

The funny thing is, it doesn't lessen when I'm with him. It drives me to go and see him again and again yet it never ever lessens. I wonder why. Is it another part of my punishment?

To be attracted to my lighter side yet never be allowed to touch him? Because he doesn't want me, doesn't want my hands to defile his purity?

It's just so unfair! 

I think I really need that drink. And another one after that. 

__

//I'm waiting, 

I'm waiting for you//

Oh yes, I'll get drunk tonight. To forget about *him*, I need to forget about me as well ; when I reach a point where I no longer know my own name, I also won't remember his anymore.

It will probably take me some time to get there though, so I guess I better get going now.

~tbc~


	2. Middle

I'm waiting

Warnings/notes : Ryou/Bakura, songfic, shifting first pov, bits of bad language, hints at abuse (not by Ryou or Bakura). 

Disclaimer : I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. The song 'Milk' belongs to Garbage. Lyrics slightly altered.

written at 29th june 2003, by Misura

**********

_//I am weak _

_But I am strong// _[Ryou] 

I don't like places like this one. The loud music hurts my earss, while the flashing lights nearly blind me. I can't help but wonder why my yami would come to a place like this.

I guess I never understood him, never will either. Even if he's a part of my soul ...

It's been about three months now since Yugi got his yami to cooperate with mine to separate us. The argument that convinced him in the end was that unless he helped me, my darker half would always remain a threat, that there would always be the risk of him taking me over.

In a body of his own, the spirit of the Millenium Ring has lost most of his powers. He agreed to it nonetheless, so very eager to be free of me.

He never caused me anything but pain and trouble, yet it still hurt me to be so utterly unwanted.

_//I can use my tears to _

_Bring you home//_

He always told me how weak I was and now, maybe, I should face the truth of those words. I'm here, after all. Because I missed him too much to stay away.

Can I really expect him to come back home with me, if I ask him, just because I am, or perhaps I should say 'was', his hikari? He has a life of his own now.

And if he did, what then? Can I hope for anything but a repeating of the cycle of hurting and forgiving, him pushing my limits, until I snap?

Our relationship was always like that ; after I broke down there would be a while of moderation, of caring and pleading, gradually fading when I allowed myself to relax around him again, to close my eyes to his worsening behavior.

He's free now, no longer tied to me. So what am I doing here?

_//I'm waiting, _

_I'm waiting for you//_

I lied. I lied when I said there were no ties between us anymore. I can feel the pulling in my mind, it is what tells me where to find him. It doesn't tell me any more though ; I can't read his thoughts or emotions as he could (can?) read mine.

I want him to return to me so badly it scares me. This can't be right ; I should turn back now, before he sees me. Things between us will never work out.

I should leave. But I'm weak. I will confront him and do my best not to beg. I have done enough begging ; this time I need him to need me. If I allow myself any less, it will be meaningless.

If not being with him causes me this much suffering, surely he must feel something of it himself? Surely this bond is not as one-sided as he always used to tell me, mocking my dependence on him to defend me? 

_//I'm waiting, _

_I'm waiting for you//_

When I see him, I don't know which urge is stronger, the one to run towards him or the one to run in the opposite direction. He seems to be drunk. I wonder if that will make this easier or harder on me.

His eyes wander over me as I approach but I can't read any of the emotions whirling in them. He just stands there, waiting for me. Or just too lazy to move.

"Hello, yami." I say. 

He blinks owlishly, perhaps he is too far off to even recognize me. Perhaps I have come here all for nothing. I refuse to say more though ; it's up to him now.

The silence in a place where no silence exists stretches between us. 

_//I'm waiting, _

_I'm waiting for you// _[Bakura]

I can't believe he can greet me so casually, like we're friends or something. Like I'm not his yami, his private burden and demon, but one of those kids he hangs out with on occasion.

I never paid much attention to them, unless they had something I wanted. There was only *him*, my hikari and host. And that other. My enemy. 

He seems to be expecting a reply to his greeting so I give him one. Why not?

"Hello, Ryou." I didn't mean to call him that, honestly. But if I call him my light, even if he called me his darkness, wouldn't that mean I acknowledge my inability to ever change, to ever redeem myself and wash my sins away?

He stiffens. "Only people close to me call me that." He sounds defensive, as if by calling him by his name I am attacking him in some way.

_//I am milk _

_I am red hot kitchen//_

"I lived in your head, walked in your body and slept in your bed. I'd say that makes the two of us pretty close, wouldn't you agree?" If he wants an argument, he'll get one.

Though I'd rather have a normal conversation. 

"I never wanted any of those things." he retorts, quoting a statement I have grown weary of. Like the intention (or the lack of it) can erase the reality of what happened between us.

"What are you here for?" I ask, not about to fight about his odd logic. What would be the use of it? What's the use of anything?

We're broken apart. He's glad to be rid of me. What would he care if I'm falling apart? Damn, I shouldn't have taken that tenth (or was it fifteenth? I lost count somehow) drink. It makes me go all sentimental. And talkative.

~tbc~


	3. Ending

I'm waiting

Warnings/notes : Ryou/Bakura, songfic, shifting first pov, bits of bad language, hints at abuse (not by Ryou or Bakura), overly romantic/oocness for this chapter.

Disclaimer : I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. The song 'Milk' belongs to Garbage. Lyrics slightly altered.

written at 30th june 2003, by Misura

**********

//And I am cool 

Cool as the deep blue ocean// [Ryou]

His question makes me nervous, in part because I'm not sure of the answer myself. Or rather, I do know why I came here, but I'm not sure how to phrase it.

"Why do you think I'm here?" I ask instead.

Before, I have always been the one giving, giving without receiving anything but a crumb of his affection. That's why tonight, I can't afford to give him anything.

As I raise my eyes to meet his, I make sure nothing shows in them.

If he returns with me, if he comes back to me, it will be because he wants to do so himself, not because he takes pity on me. Not because of a lie, since my yami taking pity on someone, even if that person happens to be his hikari, is definitely that.

__

//I'm waiting, 

I'm waiting for you//

He stares at me, trying to read my mind. I stare at him, with empty eyes.

The noise of the crowd seems to fade away to a blur, a buzzing sound in the background. No matter the distance between us, if he would whisper, I could still hear his every word.

If only he would speak.

The silence between us stretches, neither of us willing to break it, to be the weaker one. I don't want to prove the words he always taunts me with, but I know I can't keep this up much longer.

Still, I have to try. For both our sakes.

I may not think much of the life he has built for himself, mainly consisting of drinking and whatever he does for a living, yet that doesn't give me the right to take it all away from him. 

He would give it all up to be with me, I know. He can't help himself. Maybe I can.

//I'm waiting, 

I'm waiting for you// [Bakura]

__

Why doesn't he say something? Why are his eyes so cold and empty of any feelings as he returns my gaze? He's my hikari! He should have some kind of emotion for me.

Like I have always had for him, even if I never showed it much.

Is thay why he's here? Because somehow he could feel I needed him, could hear me calling him? And if he is, what should I do now? I caused him grief, I know it well.

Do I really do him a favor if I return to him, if I admit I can't live without him? I'm his yami, his darkness. Wouldn't it be best for both of us if I just kept away from him? I don't think I could go through hurting him over and over again once more, yet I fear that's what would happen.

"I think you should leave here." I say finally. 

//I'm waiting, 

I'm waiting for you// [Ryou]

His words are like a slap to my face. They sting. They wake me up from my near-trance.

He doesn't want me. I came all this way to follow a dream, an illusion.

I thought I knew what I wanted, but once again, I'm proven wrong. Like when Yami offered to split us and I so eagerly agreed, not knowing the pain it would cause me.

I turn my head away to hide the hurt in my eyes.

"W-why?" I ask. Because I want to know. Because there is no way in which he could hurt me any more and it's better to get it all in the open now, rather than having to wonder about things for the rest of my life.

//I'm breaking// [Bakura]

__

I don't need the mind-link to tell me he's in pain. Once again, it's my fault. Doesn't this prove how right I was in running away from him?

Even if I'm not tied to him any more, I can't help myself. I run over to him, putting my arms around him, pressing his precious body close enough to mine to feel his heart beating against mine, its rhythm as fast as mine.

"Hikari! I'm sorry! I love you." He looks up at me, his brown eyes blurred with tears. 

As mine are. 

//I'm aching for you// [Ryou]

__

I hadn't expected this. I hadn't expected him to care, to hold me and even less to tell me that he's sorry. That he loves me. Can I allow myself to believe in this?

I raise my head to his, amazed to feel his tears mignling with mine as our mouths meet.

The Millenium Ring I still wear, even if its powers are drained, starts to grow warm. I have enough of a mind left to wonder what's going on.

"Let's get out of here."

I nod. While preserving as much physical contact as possible, we walk to the exit. Maybe people are staring at us ; I know nor care.

//I'm waiting 

I'm waiting// [Bakura]

__

As soon as we are out of sight, a light starts to glow on my hikari's chest. He draws out the Millenium Ring, or rather, the worthless piece of jewelry that once wore that name.

I look at him questioningly, but he seems just as clueless as I am.

Putting my arms around him once again, I draw him closer, watching the glow spread over us.

Something's happening to me. I feel something touch my mind, lightly, teasingly. It tickles a little, like the feeling of butterfly-wings, brushing against the edges of my mind.

//I'm waiting 

For you// [Ryou]

The light from the Millenium Ring washes over us. In my yami's eyes I read a hint of fear. Perhaps he remembers the first time the Ring flared so brightly, when his soul was imprisoned by it.

Someone is screaming now, I don't know if it's him or me.

My world goes dark. I feel I'm falling.

*****

When Ryou opened his eyes, he was alone, the Millenium Ring around his neck no longer glowing. He rose groggily, wondering what had happened.

And then he felt it.

:: Yami. ::

The response was immediate.

:: Yes, hikari. I'm back where I belong. ::

:: Does this mean you need my body again to walk around? ::

A chuckle came from behind him, as arms encircled his waist. Ryou yelped with surprise.

His yami gently spun him around and leaned in for a kiss.

"Does this answer your question?" he murmured.

:: I can call this body whenever I want to, but I'll always be here too. I'll never leave you again. ::

:: Good. :: It was the last coherent thought he managed for quite a while.

~OWARI~


End file.
